Catching the blips between

I think this is a point in my time here in the blogosphere that I kind of feel like I need to express something that I haven’t had the chance to. I apologize that this isn’t crochet/knit/yarn related, but I think I need to get it off my chest. I look at other people’s crafting blogs and notice a trend. Some of the most elegant crafters have an underlying current of sorrow, discord, or tragedy in their lives. I think I find some comfort that I’m not alone in that fact.

Someone who once told me in my depression that I shouldn’t be sad because other people have a harder life. I had a rough time with that one—my personal hardships shouldn’t be compared with others. It’s like saying I shouldn’t be happy because other people have it better. It’s not that I don’t count my blessings, because I do. I know I haven’t had the hardest life. I’ve had a lot of opportunities that many have not, and generally do not have a hard-time. I’ve been lucky to have a job I can tolerate at most times, a loving boyfriend, a roof over my head. But I get bogged down in the details. Sometimes there are days where it overwhelms me and it feels like I can’t get above water.

I think the hardest part right now is that I can’t be with the ones I love. I’m physically separated by 100 miles and it is tough getting through the down days. I was brought up to believe in working hard, but my own professional goals are interfering with my personal goals. My options are limited in getting both, and it’s the discord between the two that are tearing my heart apart. Here’s my current options:

  1. Staying where I am with great job in a nice city, getting my MBA paid for by work, but separated.
  2. Moving to a crappy town with no job prospects for me, to be with my love and my family.
  3. Try to convince boyfriend to uproot for me, giving up his great job (2x my current salary), having a much lowered income in my city, and leaving his family behind.

I know that sounds lopsided, of course I’m going to stay for my pretty much free MBA. It’s not so simple I guess. My dad has metastasized cancer in his lungs from kidney cancer that developed about 2 years ago, they can’t operate or put him on chemo because he’s too frail and the chemo won’t affect it. So he’s on oral medication and the choices for the medicine is limited. He’s on the second option and there’s only four. My mom is legally blind due to diabetes complications, so she can’t drive him to his many appointments. Luckily my brother is there to help with that, but I’d still like to be there.

I’ve been dating for a little over 3 years and it’s all been long-distance. It’s hard only seeing him in blips and moments caught between the workweek. It’s tough during the holidays and special occasions. I get serious FOMO (fear of missing out) attacks—birthday parties, hanging out with friends, milestones. We get to see each other more than most long-distance relationships. It’s a two hour drive, not states or countries apart. It’s do-able… but sometimes I wonder if it’s ever going to be normal.

My current course of action is 3 years here to finish my MBA, and then…. something. All I know is that every time it’s that hour to leave and drive home, my heart breaks in two and I don’t get to reclaim it until I see him again.

Trying to stay optimistic,

Kate

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